JOKE THREAD

[Sands Of Time]

F**king hell taramis, keep 'em coming, i'm pissing myself here

[Sands Of Time]

Musician to emo: "Did you catch our set tonight?"
Emo with diagonal haircut: "I only saw half."

[Mr Carnage]

Did ya hear the one about the accountant with constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

[Mr Carnage]

A young couple who had just met at a party, decided to leave together. They walk hand in hand and, as they stroll, the young man's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when the young woman says, I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to have a piss. Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits, he can hear the sound of tight panties sliding down voluptuous legs and he imagines what loveliness is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the hedge, and touches her smooth, bare leg. He gently brings his hand further up to her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long warm, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He gasps in horror, my God Sharon have you changed your sex? No! she replies, I've changed my mind; I'm taking a dump instead!

As Jerry Springer would say, "Where do we find'm"

[TROOPER71]

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.




After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them
at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation
he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious
of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail
them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and
said, 'F---you!' Then he turned
to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled
first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding
immediately after finding out
about the affair, this
guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations
in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of
church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless'
commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception
for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the
Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week
honeymoon accommodations
in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face
when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the best
man: Priceless.

There are some things money
can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD

[Mr Carnage]

^ hey Troop's, only in America!


Bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "excuse me miss, day ye harv eni boooks on suicide?" to which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"



Are they getting worse?

[TROOPER71]

A very rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to

Throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the Neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his Mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating Prawns

and oysters at the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft Man-eating

Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to Anyone

who Has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud

Splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!

Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass!

Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs,

Throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and

chokeholds,biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through The

air like Some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.

Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top

Like a K-mart goldfish.

Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was Just

staring At him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a

million dollars."

"Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You Won the bet.",

"How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it,"

answered Jimmy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something.That

was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock

options?"
Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy,
then what do you Want?"And Jimmy said,
"I just want the name of the bastard who pushed me into the Pool."

[TROOPER71]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's
> > sending a friend over to look at a horse.
> >
> > His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
> >
> > "That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
> >
> > So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking
> > for a male or female horse.
> >
> >
> >
> > "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.
> >
> >
> >
> > "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks
> > up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
> >
> >
> >
> > "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little
> > fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
> >
> >
> >
> > "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin'
> > pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and
> > shows
> > him the horse's mouth.
> >
> >
> >
> > "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this
> > point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the
> midget's
> > head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and
> slams
> > him on the ground.
> >
> >
> >
> > The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I
> > should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[Mr Carnage]

^ I heard THAT! was a true story.

[Mr Carnage]

Little Sally came home from school, and, with a smile on her face told her mother "Frank Brown showed me his willy today". Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut" Relaxing with a hidden smile Sally's mum asked, "really, small was it?" Sally replied, "No! salty".

[TROOPER71]

^^wrong very wrong but fu ckin funny

[Mr Carnage]

I've hit the wall Troop's, I'm all joked out!

[Sands Of Time]

That midget joke!
I reckon i'll still be laughing in my sleep

[Mr Damage]

Two rednecks, Jim and Dave, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer. Jim turns to Dave and says, "You know, I'm tired of
going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to
the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Dave thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,
English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that
you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.
And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because
I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet
Dave at the bar. He tells Dave about his classes, how he is signed up for Math,
English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Dave says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer!"

[TROOPER71]