JOKE THREAD

[MaidenOz]

just had this one sent to me in an email


A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!' by desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman again shook her head
No!!!
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue down the crack of her backside.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it !"

[Mean Machine]

good one

[demonizer]

ahahah that's a pretty good one

[kerna]

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
>
> "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.
>
> I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
>
> The priest tells the sinner,
>
> "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."
>
> Soon, another man enters the confessional.
> "Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
>
> I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two
>months."
> This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
>
> "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
>
> "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten' Hail Mary's'."
>
> The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver
>
> his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
>
> All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the
> aisle
>
> and sits down in front of the Altar.
>
> Her dress is green and very short,
>
> with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
>
> The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down
>
> with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
>
>
>
> The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks,
>
> "Is that Fannie Green?"
>
> The altar boy replies "No Father, I think it's just
>
> the reflection off her shoes".
>

[Mean Machine]

Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton and Gene Simmons arrived to the golden gate in heaven and stood in front of God on his throne.

God spoke: Before you get a space beside me I have to ask you what you believe and have faith within?

"I believe music and my guitar is the meaning of life itself. Nothing generates so much joy in to people's lives" said Hendrix. God offered a spot on his left side to Hendrix.

"I think courage, honour and passion is the meaning of life and I have tried to make my music an example of that during my lifetime" said Clapton. God offered a spot on his right side to Clapton

And You Gene, what do you believe? Gene looked up, cleared his throat, spit on the ground and said:
"I believe you are sitting on my chair

[stormster]

Im too tired to read any jokes, but who remembers BIGMAX from DC. He had some killers!

[MaidenOz]

I like that one Mitch that's funny

[Sands Of Time]

Funny, i reckon Gene probably started that one

[TROOPER71]

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have a wine.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have a wine.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have a wine.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have a wine.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have another wine.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pis sy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suc k
12. Pack My Stuff......

........And my favorite one...........................

13. Potential Murder Suspect , and don't forget it.... K

[Wrathchild]

haha luv it..


(did i just say that)

[TROOPER71]

AS A MOTHER PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL
WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:
"WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED,
AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE,GO
AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.
UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE
LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M
THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE ENTERED AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'
THE HUSBAND REPLIED I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON IN LAW'.

[TROOPER71]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said.. "What's for dinner?"

[demonizer]

:rofl:

[=Arise=]

[TROOPER71]

Computer software and faults
New Software Upgrades & Experiences
A few short years ago, I upgraded from DrinkingMates 4.2 to Girlfriend1.0which I had been told for years wouldn't give me any trouble. However,there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5 and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend 1.0 proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system,forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run the new Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at
the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancé
1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further toWife 1.0.
Whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does at
least come bundled initially with FreeSxPlus and CleanHouse 2005. BEWARE!
These programmes are Demo's only and after one year normally will function at a reduced slower rate or just freeze up completely. I have also found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and extremely costly to run.
Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge2.0. Worse still, these latter products have no Help files and I have to try and guess what theb problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly requiring AdobeShoeShop, HandbagSearcher and HairstyleExpress, all of which need to be reinstalled every other week. Also when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my AudiTT hard drive it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw which can't be turned off.
I've recently been tempted to install Mistress 2005 but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005 it tends to delete all of your money before
uninstalling itself.