|
|
Post by kerna on Nov 15, 2006 20:14:01 GMT 10
A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
>>
>> "Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
>>
>> To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
>> glasses, and says,
>>
>> "F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!"
>>
|
|
|
|
Post by MaidenOz on Nov 15, 2006 22:52:12 GMT 10
the Horth Whisper
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should wephwase that; can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
|
|
|
|
Post by demonizer on Nov 16, 2006 15:47:29 GMT 10
aww - violence against midgets : (
|
|
|
|
Post by Mean Machine on Nov 16, 2006 15:48:21 GMT 10
^^Australia says NO! it is pretty funny though  |
|
|
|
Post by skrabsta on Nov 18, 2006 6:44:22 GMT 10
aww - violence against midgets : ( violence against midgets = |
|
|
|
Post by Stephen Thorpe on Nov 18, 2006 6:59:57 GMT 10
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK", the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going
to a Halloween party."
|
|
|
|
Post by =Arise= on Nov 20, 2006 21:47:50 GMT 10
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA Basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die..." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Howard , said, "I am the Prime Minister of Australia, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a great nation. And above all I'm the most intelligent Prime Minister in Australian history, so Australia's people won't let me die". So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The boy said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. Australia's most intelligent Prime Minister has taken my school backpack.
|
|
|
|
Post by Wrathchild on Nov 21, 2006 5:29:08 GMT 10
good one!  |
|
|
|
Post by demonizer on Nov 21, 2006 9:34:43 GMT 10
hahahaha oooh yess.
|
|
|
|
Post by =Arise= on Dec 1, 2006 1:03:32 GMT 10
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a Surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor
is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away." "Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.
|
|
|
|
Post by Mean Machine on Dec 1, 2006 8:41:54 GMT 10
|
|
|
|
Post by =Arise= on Dec 1, 2006 10:10:53 GMT 10
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said,
"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling Mum
you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was
coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000
mortgage & no bike!"
|
|
|
|
Post by demonizer on Dec 1, 2006 16:19:46 GMT 10
hehehe
|
|
|
|
Post by stormster on Dec 11, 2006 16:04:39 GMT 10
Whats faster than a speeding bullet? A Jew with a coupon.
|
|
|
|
Post by Wrathchild on Jan 16, 2007 12:57:47 GMT 10
haha some funny ones. Arise your *bike* joke was funny.  STar Trek: The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush said "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will" The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek." President Bush laughed, leaned towards the Iranian Ambassador and whispered back, >>>>> "It's because it takes place in the future." |
|
