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Post by Mean Machine on Jan 16, 2007 15:57:57 GMT 10
bahahahhahaha, thats good, i like that
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Post by Sands Of Time on Jan 16, 2007 17:13:20 GMT 10
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
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Post by demonizer on Jan 22, 2007 21:28:54 GMT 10
owwwwww. lol very funny  |
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Post by Stephen Thorpe on Jan 27, 2007 8:07:46 GMT 10
There was more! I had to edit them though and I may upset the fairer sex!!  Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? A. Lipstick. Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex? A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time. |
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Post by TROOPER71 on Jan 30, 2007 19:41:04 GMT 10
> > Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate
> > my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
> >
> > On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
> > the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
> > sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the
> > next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the
> > bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I
> > had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
> > Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was
> > taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to
> > me from the kitchen.
> >
> > "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
> >
> > "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
> > pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
> >
> > "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me
> > in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you
> > a second.
> >
> > So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent
> > outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
> > behaviour as extremely cowardly.
> >
> > Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
> > the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
> >
> > It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
> >
> > No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
> > teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
> > objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around
> > the
> > corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise
> > moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly
> > offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational
> > thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent
> > rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging
> > from my masculine region.
> >
> > Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men,
> > in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
> > experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
> > cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
> >
> > The impact knocked me out cold.
> >
> > When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there
> > are
> > not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
> > kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that"
> > paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the
> > paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work,
> > all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not
> > succeeding.
> >
> > Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back
> > in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of
> > me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to
> > talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got
> > your tongue?"
> >
> > If they only knew!
> >
> > Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
> >
> > Hope your week was better than his!!!!!!!!!!
>
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Post by Wrathchild on Jan 31, 2007 10:08:19 GMT 10
 LOL Trooper. Good one. Stephen your jokes ok woman make cruel mens ones too haha |
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Post by Wrathchild on Jan 31, 2007 20:10:26 GMT 10
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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Post by Mean Machine on Jan 31, 2007 20:11:17 GMT 10
hahaha thats a good one
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Post by TROOPER71 on Feb 19, 2007 15:47:57 GMT 10
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas'pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with anS) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
on descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one saved for last......
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
>
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Post by Sands Of Time on Feb 20, 2007 10:37:14 GMT 10
That's funny, but scary at the same time
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Post by kerna on Apr 3, 2007 21:55:00 GMT 10
Mc Donalds have just released the Ben Cousins meal deal
No burger
No fries
Just coke and ice
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Post by Wrathchild on Apr 4, 2007 13:52:14 GMT 10
Mc Donalds have just released the Ben Cousins meal deal No burger No fries Just coke and ice  haha lol! |
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Post by kerna on Apr 6, 2007 11:55:47 GMT 10
3 Bob Woolmer Jokes...
>>
>>
>> 1. Have you heard who the new coach of the Pakistan cricket team is?
>> Gladstone Small (let's see them try to strangle that b@#$!rd...)
>>
>> 2. Have you heard what the new national sport in Pakistan is?
>> Bob-sleighing.
>>
>> and wait for it...
>>
>> 3. Pakistan - the only team to go to the world cup and go home with
>> the ashes!
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Post by Sands Of Time on Apr 6, 2007 14:41:26 GMT 10
 Hahahahahaha
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Post by TROOPER71 on May 4, 2007 21:19:39 GMT 10
Swearing at Work
>
>
>Dear Employees:
>It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
>throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
>normal conversation with their colleagues.
>Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
>this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
>We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately
>express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
>Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been
>provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in
>an effective manner.
>
> 1.
> Try Saying:
> I think you could do with more training
> Instead Of:
> You don't have a f*cking clue, do you?
>
> 2.
> Try Saying:
> He's an aggressive go-getter.
> Instead Of:
> He's a f*cking power-crazy c*nt
>
> 3.
> Try Saying:
> Perhaps I can work late
> Instead Of:
> And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?
>
> 4.
> Try Saying:
> I'm certain that isn't feasible
> Instead Of:
> F*ck off a*se-wipe
>
> 5.
> Try Saying:
> Really?
> Instead Of:
> Well f*ck me backwards with a telegraph pole
>
> 6.
> Try Saying:
> Perhaps you should check with...
> Instead Of:
> Tell someone who gives a f*ck.
>
> 7.
> Try Saying:
> I wasn't involved in the project.
> Instead Of:
> Not my f*cking problem, mate.
>
> 8.
> Try Saying:
> That's interesting.
> Instead Of:
> What the f*ck?
>
> 9.
> Try Saying:
> I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
> Instead Of:
> No f*cking chance mate.
>
> 10.
> Try Saying:
> It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
> Instead Of:
> Why the f*ck didn't you tell me that yesterday?
>
> 11.
> Try Saying:
> He's not familiar with the issues
> Instead Of:
> He's got his head up his f*cking a*se.
>
> 12.
> Try Saying:
> Excuse me, sir?
> Instead Of:
> Oi, f*ck face.
>
> 13.
> Try Saying:
> Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
> Instead Of:
> Yeah, who needs f*cking holidays anyway.
>
>
>
>Thank You,
>Human Resources
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haha lol! 
Hahahahahaha