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Post by Sands Of Time on May 5, 2007 11:24:24 GMT 10
Haha. We need that in my workshop
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Post by Wrathchild on May 5, 2007 11:24:36 GMT 10
^ 12. > Try Saying: > Excuse me, sir? > Instead Of: > Oi, f*ck face. Bahahahhaa!  |
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Post by Wrathchild on May 24, 2007 20:37:55 GMT 10
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." > > >> He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" > > >> You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your F**king beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your m*th*rf**k**g snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't F**king going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?" > > >> ........and, they lived happily ever after. Now, isn't that a sweet story?  |
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Post by Sands Of Time on May 24, 2007 21:10:30 GMT 10
Hahahahah The story of my life! |
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Post by stormster on May 25, 2007 11:10:07 GMT 10
LOL. The last line is my parents all the time, gotta F**king just love it (not)
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Post by skrabsta on May 31, 2007 13:03:00 GMT 10
New Words for 2007
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:
"Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
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Post by Mean Machine on May 31, 2007 13:20:23 GMT 10
hahahaha, there are some absolutely hilarious ones in there. brilliant.
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Post by Mean Machine on Jun 15, 2007 18:40:23 GMT 10
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
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Post by Sands Of Time on Jun 16, 2007 9:13:15 GMT 10
Hahahahaha, now that would be a problem
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Post by skrabsta on Jun 16, 2007 16:29:03 GMT 10
A bloke’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and the younger Constable.
The Sarge says, “Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some more good news.”
“Well,” says the bloke, “I guess I’d better have the bad news first.”
The Sarge says, “ I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.”
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and had a bit of a turn.
But, after a few minutes, he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, “Well, when we got your wife up, there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.”
He hands the bloke a sack full of crays and crabs.
“Geez thanks. They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that…. So, what’s the other possible good news?”
“Well,” the Sarge says, “If you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over and pull her up again!”
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Post by TROOPER71 on Jun 18, 2007 16:08:14 GMT 10
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM"
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Post by Wrathchild on Jun 18, 2007 16:23:31 GMT 10
LOL good one |
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Post by TROOPER71 on Jun 22, 2007 23:16:17 GMT 10
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.What is your first request? The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time............................... BRING POSSE!!!!  |
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Post by TROOPER71 on Jun 25, 2007 18:55:55 GMT 10
There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for
>the
>first time. The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'al l, but I'm gunna
>wear me
>sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."
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>
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>"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.
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>The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying
>butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."
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>The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floesant orange
>panties."
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>"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.
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>The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be
>floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."
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>The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties....."
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>"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.
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>The third lady says "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't
>wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look
>fo da black box first."
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Post by TROOPER71 on Jun 30, 2007 18:03:42 GMT 10
1. Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They can irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ........ Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them..
4. Men are like ........ Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ....... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ........ Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........ Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ....... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ....... Popcorn . ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
12. Men are like ........ Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
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