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Post by Wrathchild on Jun 30, 2007 18:38:23 GMT 10
LOL good ones!  |
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Post by skrabsta on Jul 9, 2007 23:53:51 GMT 10
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that
he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning
before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that
the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the
village, so he decided to question his parishioners in
church. During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody
got a cock?" All the men stood up. No, no, that wasn't what
I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
No, no that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a
cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up!
No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is
, has anybody seen MY cock?" 16 altar boys, 2 priests and a
goat stood up.
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Post by skrabsta on Jul 9, 2007 23:54:19 GMT 10
Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is
no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it,
not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one
in each hand , and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the
hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall
and freezes like he's a statue.The nuns stop and comment on how
life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his
manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap
dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his
manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls
once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives
several more tugs, then yells...
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
HAND LOTION TOO!"
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Post by TROOPER71 on Jul 16, 2007 17:01:20 GMT 10
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through
it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,
"OK so, How many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One!"
The manager groaned and continued,
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
"£ 124,237.64 "
The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!
What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
coast,
So I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department
And I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him
Down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in
here
To buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend
And I said.........
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."
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Post by TROOPER71 on Jul 22, 2007 10:30:50 GMT 10
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to!
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Post by TROOPER71 on Jul 22, 2007 10:38:27 GMT 10
THE NEW AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM
Australians all let us rejoice
The weekend now is near
We've worked all bloody week for this
Dear God let's get a beer.
Our desks abound in paperwork
Our hands are stained with ink
In desperate stage, we'll fly the cage
Advance to Friday drinks!!
With joyful strains, destroy our brains
Advance to Friday drinks.
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Post by TROOPER71 on Jul 23, 2007 17:06:19 GMT 10
Who said Australians weren't romantic? Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin there to grab ! So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No Sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think its very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the footy's on and fetch another beer. |
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Post by Stephen Thorpe on Aug 26, 2007 7:37:26 GMT 10
Diet Plan.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as
a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads:
"If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lb. as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
neck that reads:
If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in
excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does,
it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next
four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth
day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb.
as pomised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program.
"Are you sure?"
asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous
program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:
"I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."
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Post by stormster on Aug 26, 2007 16:06:07 GMT 10
BAHAHAHA
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Post by Mean Machine on Aug 26, 2007 17:35:39 GMT 10
hahaha that's a good one
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Post by Wrathchild on Aug 26, 2007 17:44:08 GMT 10
THE NEW AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM Australians all let us rejoice The weekend now is near We've worked all bloody week for this Dear God let's get a beer. Our desks abound in paperwork Our hands are stained with ink In desperate stage, we'll fly the cage Advance to Friday drinks!! With joyful strains, destroy our brains Advance to Friday drinks. Hear Hear! Jokes are funny too guys  |
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Post by Big_John on Aug 29, 2007 11:24:19 GMT 10
I've got a couple of gems I'd like to share...
Q: Why are a woman's feet normally smaller than a man's?
A: So she can stand closer to the sink.
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A blind man felt that the excitement in his life was waning, so he decided to spruce things up by going out to a club, So he walks down the street in the city on a Friday night, and enters the first club he finds... which unknown to him, is a Lesbian bar. He manages to find the actual bar and orders a drink. While the bartender(female, of course) is pouring it, he says out loud "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
All conversation in the immediate area suddenly died, and one lone woman steped up to him and said "Sir, before you continue, let me tell you something....
Number 1, I am blonde.
Number 2, the bartender is blonde.
Number 3, my friend here is blonde, and she's a blackbelt in karate.
Number 4, her blonde friend who came along is a kickboxer,
and finally Number 5, the blonde woman sitting directly on your left is a weightlifter. Now think sir, do you REALLY want to tell that blonde joke now?"
The blind man ponders this for a moment, and says "Well, not if I have to explain it 5 times!"
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*takes a bow*
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Post by skrabsta on Aug 31, 2007 17:06:49 GMT 10
Limited Edition Andrew Johns – Say No To Drugs Policy Sporting Cheat Commemorative Tablet Fits easily in the Pocket – Travels well  -10 year anniversary edition -Take with 6-8 beers -Guaranteed the knight of your life! |
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Post by Sands Of Time on Aug 31, 2007 17:20:50 GMT 10
HAHAHAHAHAHAH Fkn Johns 
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Post by TROOPER71 on Sept 21, 2007 22:41:50 GMT 10
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom" he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbour hood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about shit on you.
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you do not understand; these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."
"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit "
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